Okay, I'm not doing too great right now.

I am SO STRESSED OUT. And DEPRESSED.

Becca's graduation party was today. And Sonia and Becca and everybody my age is effing GRADUATING TOMORROW.

I am so (I'm going to go right out and say it) (no actually I'm not I don't feel comfortable saying the f word) effing depressed. My stomach feels weird right now. My heart feels all heavy. I'm so extremely depressed right now. I knew it was coming, and I think I did the best I could to enjoy the time before it.

It's so hard to have to tell myself I won't be graduating though. So hard. I feel indescribable right now.

I guess on the plus side, I get to open the time capsule that I made in first grade tomorrow. It was supposed to be opened on graduation day 2007. Well, it's 2007. I am not waiting another year to open it. So....

As much as that sounds cool, I would rather have graduated on time.

I'm so...upset....no, not upset. I don't know. Broken hearted? No. That's not it either.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I think I'm going to skip study skills tomorrow. I was just going to watch movies but I'm actually going to go home early. I will be so miserable.

I don't think I can go to sleep tonight.

Or if I do go to sleep, it will be a restless night.

I am feeling so edgy....and miserable. And bitter towards everyone at my school. My current attitude is that I hate everyone at school. Like actual hate, too.

To make matters worse, on top of all this, I am extremely stressed out about the whole horse situation. At this point I'm convinced someone else is going to buy him. And, it kills me to say this, but I'm getting really frustrated with Jessica, I left her two MySpace comments and sent her two text messages about the horse thing, and my mom sent her an email (this was all over the course of several days) and nothing's happening, she hasn't said anything about it. It's really frustrating. I'm actually getting tears in my eyes now, dammit. For awhile, I was excited. But it's hard to be excited now, because I don't trust she'll actually do anything. And I don't want to tell my mom to just get him without talking to Jessica because then my mom will think "oh why didn't Jessica ever say anything?" and I don't want her to think poorly of her....

Im so heavy hearted. My neck hurts. My mom's friend Janet is here from Utah. School is out on Friday. Except I'm not going that day. Screw school. Eff all the people there. Dammit.

This sucks.

I hate it.

I'm angry, sad, depressed, stressed, annoyed, fed up, pissed, bitter...

Eff eff eff eff eff eff efff

Okay more about the horse situation just because I have nothing else to do/write about:

Myspace comment that I left on May 30 -

"Hello,

My mom is considering buying her friend's horse, and she was wondering if you could come look at him with us. Since you're knowledgable and everything. That, and I haven't seen you in FOREVER. AND EVER.

Anyway, sooo yeah.

Hope you're doing well!"

I knew she logged in the next day. No reply.

My mom sent an email. No answer.

I saw her yesterday. No mention of anything.

I left her another comment this morning that she hasn't seen yet since the last time she logged in was yesterday, but it says:

"Uuuuuummmmmmmmmmm so what do you think about my last comment? I kind of need to know soon, because other people are going to be interested too."

This afternoon, I sent her a text message:

"So um did you ever get that myspace comment I left a few days ago?"

Her reply:

"About June? I got that one last night."

My reply:

"No, about looking at the horse my mom wants to buy."

Well. I sent that at 10:57 this morning and it's now 10:57 at night (wow, talk about exactness...because it really is 10:57 PM RIGHT NOW) and there hasn't been a reply.

Well what am I supposed to think? I'm tempted to think she's avoiding me. Ugh. I get enough of that at school. JEEZ.

And now I am getting sad about graduation stuff again.

Why does it have to be like this?

Everything happens for a reason, but I'm failing to see that reason right now.

I have ONE FRIEND at school now. ONE. Of course, whenever I say that to people they're like "oh what about so and so?" It's like, "No, YOU'RE friends with so and so, but maybe it's my paranoia, but something tells me so and so doesn't like me and is not interested in being friends with me."

I'm all twitchy with irritation right now.

Anyway, like Aimee. She only talks to me if there's no one else around. I don't really consider her a friend, honestly. She's not very reliable. We'll have an okay conversation by ourselves, but then one of her friends comes along and BAM she drops me and I am ignored for the remainder of our time together. Excuse me, but I am not your backup friend that you can just talk to to make you look not stupid and that you have someone to talk to.

Miiisery. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow.

I should go. It's 11:07 now. I need to sleep. Even though I'll probably have miserable dreams that wake me up anyway. Shizznit. I am in a bad mood.

I don't think anything can change it either, sadly. I don't think I can....or anyone else. GAAAAWWWWWDDDDDD I hate life right now, as emo as that sounds. I don't really remember the last time I was truly happy. Or even content. I loathe this.