school worries

August 12, 2003, 5:31 p.m.

Well, I got my hair cut. I liked it at first but now I'm having second thoughts. WHY DID I GET IT CUT??? She cut it a little too short, I think...oh well, when your hair is wet, it's hard to judge how your hair will normally be. But still....I'm not really all that sure I like it. Maybe I'm just not used to it.

Like when I got my hair dyed, even though it wasn't a huge change or difference, I was really upset for awhile until everyone told me that they liked it and I got used to it. Now I like it a lot, even though my natural color is coming back...I'm even thinking of getting it dyed again. Maybe purple, blue, or green streaks! HAHA just kidding...

But you know...when I asked all my friends if they thought I should cut my hair, they all said no. NOW WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SAY??? Luckily, I won't be seeing most of them ever again. Unfortunately, I want to see them again! Also unfortunately I won't see them again...usually, like in summers back, I can look forward to seeing friends when I go back to school. I basically rely on seeing them! To calm my nerves over the excitement and scariness of the first day of school. But not this year.

I won't know ANYONE, and I'm really horrible at making friends. I'm lucky to even have the friends that I do have! To make things worse, I also have social anxiety disorder, on top of my severe shyness. Or is that all connected and like the same thing?

I am so nervous about the first day of school, which is on September 2nd. I'll probably be walking to all of my classes with my head down and stuff and barely saying anything. I'll sit at my desk and be too flustered to even look around or say anything. If I do say anything, it will be a squeak. That's how it always is. Only before, I was with people I knew, friends or not. But now...well, you know... I don't know why I just decided not to go to Stadium. Even though that's a MUCH bigger high school, at least I would know people there, and some of my friends would be there, even if they weren't in my classes.

So THAT is how I feel about school...absolutely not excited at all. In fact I'm dreading it. It will be like torture. At least I won't have to wear uniforms...well, even that could be a problem...for the past three years I've had to wear uniforms, but now that I'll get to wear whatever I want, I won't not sure WHAT to wear. I don't really like much of what I do have...I'd like to trade it in for other clothes, but that is impossible. CRAP. What am I going to do????? I'm freaking out.

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