I don't want to write anything right now. I don't even know why I am, really. I'm just making myself. I don't have anything to say.

I'm slightly lonely. I have interacted in person with three people in the past week. Not counting the guy at the post office. (Oh...and the people at the barn.) It's fine for a few days but then it starts to wear on you. I feel so isolated.

I don't do anything except go to the barn, the post office to mail off my textbooks that I'm selling through Amazon, post on internet message boards, listen to music, and sleep. I have no live, and every time I think about that it makes me depressed because of how pathetic it is. But I'm stuck in a rut and can't think of other things to do...everything I do think of requires another person, but everyone's gone.

Everyone's either away or busy.
S - Japan
A - NYC
H - California (and I haven't seen her in over a year anyway...I last heard from her in January on my birthday, and whenever I message her, I never get a response)
Ez - Georgia (haven't seen her in a year and a half and honestly, we don't have anything in common anymore)
J - in town but busy with work (haven't seen her since February)
El - in town but not a whole lot in common anymore
R - Seattle
C & AS - drifted apart...as with all camp people (I see camp pictures C posts on Facebook and I get depressed, even though I didn't want to work there anyway)

I know it's not helping or doing any good moping and feeling sorry for myself.

I always thought that since I've spent a large part of my life being solitary and alone I'd get used to it, but I'm beginning to think I never will. Terrible.

Alright, well I'm going to go now...do what, I don't know.

I am not happy right now...not happy...there's a heaviness...

I hope no one reads this. This is horrible writing.

Edit: 23:13
I am so dreadfully bored right now. And getting more depressed by the minute. I really wish I had someone to TALK to. But there isn't anyone. There is no one. Can't stand it. I should go to bed but I'm afraid that if I try to go to sleep this early I will sleep like shit and just wake up again at 2...because it's still too early.

And what am I gonna do tomorrow? Sit around all day and do nothing like I've done every other day for the past week? Then feel lousy some more? I fucking hate this, and I can't think of what to do about it. Nothing sounds like fun. I don't want to do anything. But then again I don't want to do nothing. I don't know. I don't know. I just said that twice.

I keep having dreams that I'm traveling to England with friends, and then at the last minute, it's realized that I don't have a passport, so I have to stay behind, feeling extremely jealous and disappointed. And left behind. I never really thought much about meanings of dreams and trying to interpret them, but I guess as far as dreams go, that one's pretty easy to interpret...being left behind here at home while all my friends go off and start their lives elsewhere...

I need some more friends, but that is easier said than done. I've always had a ridiculously hard time making friends. I am always paranoid and constantly think that people don't like me. I'm so shy.

Why am I writing all this out on the internet? I ought to put a password on here for awhile. Or not. No one is going to read it anyway.