Well.

I was supposed to go to the arab horse show today, but I wasn't in the mood after I went to see Marvin today. Patty's sister was there and I freakin swear she hates me and thinks I'm incompetent and thinks I don't deserve Marvin. Basically the only things she said to me the whole 3 or so hours were negative things - that my lunging skills suck (not those exact words - it was more like "you're not doing a good job" or something to that effect) and to "get away from the gate!" (saying it like I was a complete idiot or she was mad at me or something) when I was having some trouble with it.

Well, I will be the first to admit I am not a great equestrian yet. But just because you are better doesn't mean you have to make me feel like complete crap and make me feel like I want to be swallowed up by a hole so that no one would be able to see the liquid threatening to leak out my eyes. I felt like crying. It was pretty hard not to start crying on the way home.

Shoot, I am pretty dang sure Jessica is better than her anyway. Heck, she was freaking Zac Efron's stunt double and trainer in The Derby Stallion. And Jessica doesn't make people feel stupid for not being as good as her.

I am just so priveliged to know Jessica...I wish she'd been there, since we have an underlying un-horse related friendship, I think it would have been better. Besides, I trust her.

But anyway....

I wish I had a connection with Marvin already. I don't trust him yet, I don't feel...I dunno...the connection I guess would be what it's called...that I feel with horses like Be-Be or Mariah. I think maybe it's getting there, but it's taking awhile. When I was little I loved every single horse I rode, but not anymore.

To be quite honest, I'm always quite unwilling and nervous to handle him and ride him. I try hard not to let it show, because my mom is so excited about this, and excited for me, and I don't think she knows. So that's good. But I've just been feeling a bit discouraged. I mean, what am I going to actually do with him? Show? I'm not good enough, nor do I really want to (at this point...maybe I will when I'm better? Who knows). I like riding for fun. But that's not where I'm headed.